Akatsuki Rehab
by That-Author-Guy
Summary: Pein thinks that some of the Akatsuki members have been acting up. He sends Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, Tobi, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Zetsu to a rehab center in hopes of changing that. Little does he know that chaos and hilarity will ensue! Chapter 4 is up!
1. Chapter 1: Rehab?

**Author's Note: Hey, everybody! I've been inactive on this site for a while, so I'm hoping that I can get back in action! I've been thinking of story ideas for a while, and this one seemed amusing to me for some reason. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.**

**Note: Freshwater Rehab Center is not a real place.**

Two figures walked through the dim halls of the Akatsuki hideout. Rats and other small animals stopped lurking about to let them get through, as it was clear that they were in a hurry.

"Are you sure this is wise, Pein? They could get out of hand."

The taller figure turned to the other and replied, "Are you questioning my judgement, Konan? They'll be perfectly fine, I assure you. There is no need to worry."

"But…"

"Be quiet."

The shorter one sighed in defeat as the two figures entered a large room. Pein walked towards the center of the room, footsteps echoing, and cleared his throat to speak.

"Assemble."

Seven holograms appeared throughout the room. Each one was talking to another and looking around questioningly.

Pein looked around quickly to check if everyone was there. When he concluded that they were, he spoke once more.

"My fellow criminals…I suppose you are wondering why you are here."

The holograms nodded in agreement and began to murmur. A tall, fish-like man gave Pein a puzzled look before replying, "Yes…It's odd of you to call a meeting so early in the morning. Care to explain?"

Another one shouted, "Seriously, what in the name of Jashin are you thinking? I haven't even fucking eaten yet! Couldn't you wait just a little longer?"

Pein sighed impatiently and replied, "Hidan, watch your mouth. I called this meeting early for a reason. I've been disgusted with your recent behavior; all of you."

Once again, the figures began to talk amongst themselves, before being hushed by an increasingly annoyed Pein.

"I tried to tolerate it at first, but enough is enough. I've made a list of the offenses that you idiots have committed. Would you like me to read it?"

The holograms nodded in unison, prompting Pein to reach into a pocket of his cloak and take out a folded slip of paper. He carefully unfolded it and began to read.

"Kisame; you have been showing irresponsible behavior. The biggest problem is your alcohol addiction; Konan and I have agreed that you get out-of-hand very easily when you are drunk."

The shark man grumbled, but in his mind he knew that Pein was right.

"Itachi; you've been noticeably down lately. This is backed-up by the fact that Konan found razors and "My Chemical Romance" posters under your bed. We don't tolerate emo kids in our organization."

Itachi sighed heavily, but nodded to show that he understood.

"Deidara; enough with the explosions. We understand that you consider them "art", but they're damaging our property. Also, due to the way you treat Tobi, we've decided that you have anger issues as well."

Deidara scowled and crossed his arms, obviously annoyed.

"Tobi; we know that you are happy and carefree, and we respect the fact that you brighten the mood of our organization, but S-class criminals don't act like 5-year-olds. You need to toughen up. Also, it's annoying when you talk in third person."

Tobi slumped and let out a small, "Aww…"

"Hidan; enough with the shouting and cursing. Your anger problems are even worse than Deidara's. Also, we understand that your religion requires you to be a bit…weird, but it's just too creepy…"

Hidan growled and cursed Pein under his breath.

"Kakuzu; your obsession with money needs to stop. It's okay to be a little bit picky about your spending, but you won't even let us buy necessities. Also, like Hidan and Deidara, you need anger management."

Kakuzu simply nodded; it wasn't a good idea to argue, and it _was_ true.

"Last one…Zetsu. The cannibalism thing is scary. I'm tired of finding half-chewed bodies in the middle of the halls. Control your hunger, or atleast eat _normal_ food."

Zetsu nodded, and his dark half muttered, "Why don't you just become a cannibal…?"

Pein ignored the comment and folded the paper back into his pocket. By now, all of the holograms were yelling or murmuring in protest. With a wave of his hand, Pein silenced them.

"Alright. To help you overcome these problems, I have planned for all of you to be sent to…a rehab center."

That comment triggered an uproar throughout the large room. The shouts of the criminals echoed off of the walls and rang in Pein's ears. After about five seconds of this, he roared at the top of his lungs:

"Silence!"

One by one, the holograms stopped their shouting and looked wide-eyed at Pein, who was rubbing his temples impatiently.

"I've already scheduled for you to be sent to the Freshwater Rehab Center. It's a really good place with many trained professionals. If you cooperate, you shouldn't be there for very long. You're scheduled to arrive there in 2 hours, which is why I called this meeting so early. Pack your things and get going. Konan will escort you there; I need to get some sleep…"

Pein walked out of the room, leaving Konan alone with the holograms.

"Well...I guess you're dismissed. Meet me at the entrance in 45 minutes, okay? I don't want anybody to be late."

The holograms groaned and slowly disappeared. Konan sighed and walked hurriedly to the front entrance of the hideout, where she would meet the others soon.

Itachi and Kisame rummaged through their room, looking for things that they would bring with them. Itachi grabbed his books and hair conditioner, then rushed to find his posters. Kisame picked up Samehada, but realized that he probably wouldn't be allowed to bring it.

"Damn it...This is ridiculous! Leader-sama is overreacting, don't you think, Itachi-san?"

The Uchiha nodded, then frowned as he picked up his bag of belongings. He motioned for Kisame to follow him, and they started towards the front of the base.

"Stupid leader-sama, hmm…I don't have anger issues! And there's nothing wrong with my art, hmm! He just doesn't appreciate it, that distasteful fool."

Tobi wagged a finger at Deidara and replied, "Deidara-sempai shouldn't talk about leader-sama like that. Deidara-sempai is a bad boy!"

Deidara frowned at Tobi and continued to stuff clay into his bag.

"Shut up, Tobi. I can talk about him however I want, hmm. He's not the boss of me."

"But…But he's our leader!"

"Whatever, Tobi. Let's get going; Konan gets really mad when someone makes her wait. Kinda like Sasori did, actually…" Deidara replied, saddened by memories of his old partner. If he wouldn't have died, Deidara wouldn't have had to be stuck with Tobi.

"Yeah...it seems to happen once every month."

"…That's different, Tobi."

Tobi shrugged and followed his master out of the door to meet with the others.

"What the fuck is that guy's problem?"

Curses flew out of Hidan's mouth like bullets from a machine gun. Kakuzu covered his ears and kicked his partner, who yelped and rubbed his side.

"Damn it, Kakuzu! What did you do that for?! I swear, I am gonna-"

Hidan was interrupted by another swift kick to his side, causing him to crumple in pain. Kakuzu smiled in satisfaction and grabbed everything he needed, including his piggy bank.

"I'll see you at the front, Hidan. Just don't be late."

"Bitch…"

Zetsu slowly dragged himself across his room, picking things up that he thought he would need. His two halves bickered over the actions of their leader; the white half was trying to defend Pein, while the dark half brutally insulted him.

"I think that he is making a good decision…We _do_ need to pull our act together if we want to achieve our goal."

"_Hmph…His decision is stupid. What rehab officials would allow seven S-class criminals in the same building at the same time?"_

"Whatever. It's not like we're going to be fooling around there; atleast I'm not. It wouldn't be very pleasant to get into trouble while we're there."

"_Innocent as always. Toughen up."_

"Hmph."

After Zetsu got the last of his things into his bag, he set off to the front of the base to meet the others.

Konan surveyed the group to make sure that everyone had come. She smiled when she counted that all seven of them were there.

"Alright…The rehab center isn't very far from here. It should take a little more than an hour if we keep a good pace. It wouldn't be good if you were late, so let's go!"

The group grumbled, and Hidan muttered, "Well, you're awfully cheery…"

Konan smiled and replied, "That's because you guys are gonna be gone! I won't have to put up with you!"

Deidara smirked and muttered, "You just want to be alone with Pein…"

Konan turned red and looked away. The group snickered and followed her when she started to walk.

The eight shinobi made their way out of the valley where their base is and onto a forest trail. Slowly, they trudged through the forest, dragging their bags behind them.

Tobi groaned and asked, "Are we there yet…?"

The others looked at him and shouted, in unison, "Don't even start, Tobi!"

The masked ninja sighed and muttered, "You guys are so mean…I was just asking."

Deidara smacked Tobi upside the head and replied, "Tobi, I don't want you fooling around, okay? Think of this as a mission. The goal is to be as well-behaved as possible, okay, hmm?"

Tobi perked up and clapped his hands.

"Oh! Like a game! Tobi loves games!"

"Tobi, leader-sama told you not to talk in third person, hmm. According to you, we have to respect him, so talk normally."

"Aww…"

Konan turned to the two of them and snapped at them to be quiet. Deidara stuck his tongue out at her (well, he stuck _three_ tongues out at her), and Tobi whispered to his master, "Is she in that time of the month I mentioned earlier?"

Veins popped in Konan's forehead as she beat Tobi into the ground. The others looked on and backed away.

"T-Tobi didn't mean to make Konan mad! Tobi is sorry, Konan…"

Konan wiped her hands on her cloak to get the blood off, then gave Tobi a quick warning about using third person. Deidara helped his partner up, who was beaten to a pulp. Kisame and Hidan smiled in amusement, and Itachi shook his head.

When Tobi was ready to go again, the group walked out of the forest and continued down the trail, which was now following alongside a large creek. The trail stayed close to the creek until finally, after about five more minutes of walking, a large building came into view.

"Is that the rehab center?"

Konan nodded and gazed at the building. It wasn't very tall; it was only two stories, but it covered a lot of land. It was secluded in a ring of trees, and the creek winded in and out of the small ring. The sun shone down upon the white stone of the building, and birds and bees hovered in the garden and cherry blossom trees in front of it. Overall, it was a beautiful scene.

Kisame smiled and said, "Well, atleast we won't have to stay in some dreary dump. It looks quite nice, actually. The creek looks pretty nice, too. So clear…"

Deidara nodded and replied, "The architecture of it is quite artful. If only I could blow it up…"

"It sure is pretty, sempai!"

The other four continued walking; they obviously didn't care. Konan sighed at their lack of appreciation and ran to catch up to them. She was soon followed by the other three.

Two men guarded the entrance. Each of them wore the same plain-white uniform and had the same over-excited smile.

"Hello! Welcome of Freshwater Rehab Center! You must be the seven prostitutes we heard were coming!"

Itachi raised an eyebrow and replied, "We're not prostitutes…"

The embarrassed doorman mentally kicked himself, and the other one smacked his face into his palm.

"Oh, then you must be the Akatsuki members that were scheduled to come…You're just on time! Come right in!"

Konan turned around and said, "Okay, you're on your own now, guys. Listen to what the rehab specialists have to say and stay out of trouble!"

She winked and walked off, leaving the seven shinobi alone with the creepy doormen.

"This is gonna fucking suck!" Hidan shouted.

"So? Didn't you hear? There's gonna be prostitutes!" Kisame shouted, giving a thumbs-up.

"Kisame, those cost money. You can't go around squandering cash on things like women!" Kakuzu replied.

Itachi sighed and glared at his comrades. He walked into the building and towards the counter, where he picked up a bunch of forms.

"Take these and fill them out. There are pens on the counter for you to use."

The seven Akatsuki members groaned and took pens from a cup on the front desk. They hurriedly filled out the forms, which asked basic questions like name and age. When they were done, they returned the pens and smacked the papers in front of the desk manager. She picked up the stack of forms and straightened it out, then told them to wait there while she went into a back room.

"We should just ditch this place now…muttered Hidan.

Zetsu shook his head and replied, "If we do, leader-sama will kill us. We can't have that happen, can we?"

Zetsu's dark half retorted, _"Why don't we just ditch the Akatsuki, then? I hate this job."_

Itachi sighed (again) and replied, "If we do that., where will we go? There is no other place where we are welcome. We wouldn't be able to run forever."

Kakuzu growled and muttered, "Just deal with it, guys."

"Stay positive!" Tobi chimed.

The other four groaned; it was going to be a long stay.

**Author's Note: Well, that's all for now. My hands are starting to hurt! xx;**

**Nothing much has happened yet, because it's just the beginning! Just wait; soon, chaos will ensue! Please review, and tell me what you liked and what you think I can improve on! )**


	2. Chapter 2: Settling In

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews; I appreciate them! Sorry for the long wait, by the way. I've been busy with school work and other websites, plus I've been a little sick. Well, here's chapter 2!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Note: Freshwater Rehab Center is not a real place.**

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The desk manager returned to the group and motioned for them to follow her.

"Alright, you guys know why you're here, don't you?"

"Our leader sent us…"

"Right. If you want to get out quickly, you'll have to earn it. That means no fooling around. Control yourselves and do what your trainers tell you to do, got it? Your room is number 109 on the second floor, at the end of the hall to your left. Here's the key. Your trainers will meet with you shortly."

The woman handed Itachi the room key and slouched lazily back to the front desk. Itachi shrugged and began to walk up the stairway to the second floor, followed by the others. When they reached the top, they turned left and kept walking until they reached the end. Sure enough, room 109 was at the end of the hallway.

Itachi put the key in the lock and twisted it, then slowly opened the door and peeked inside. The others stood on their tiptoes to peer over his head.

"W-Wow! That's a big room, sempai!"

"It sure is, hmm."

"Holy shit! Jashin has blessed us!"

The room was huge; it looked like a resort room for a rich family. It had everything that the Akatsuki members needed; a kitchen, two bathrooms, a huge TV, a balcony, and a stairway to the ground floor pool. The group quickly rushed in and began to unpack.

Tobi hummed as he got his belongings out of his bag. Then, in an annoying, high-pitched voice, he said, "See, guys? This isn't that bad! Tobi likes it here already!"

The others nodded, and Kisame shouted, "I call first pick for bedroom!"

Everyone groaned as Kisame dashed into the biggest bedroom. Itachi muttered, "Since there are only three bedrooms, we might as well share." And followed him.

Deidara shouted "Second pick!" and ran into the bedroom that overlooked the pool, dragging Tobi with him. Hidan grabbed Kakuzu and dashed into the only remaining bedroom, which left Zetsu alone.

"What about me…? Do I have to sleep on the couch?"

In unison, the other six shouted "Yes!" and closed their doors. Zetsu slumped down and walked silently to the couch, where he began to unpack his plant collection.

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Kisame bounced up and down on the squishy waterbed, flipping and spinning. Itachi watched him bounce, obviously not amused, and started to put up his posters.

"Wanna join me, Itachi-san? It's fun!"

"Hell no. I'm not five."

"Oh, come on! You'll like it!"

Itachi growled at Kisame to shut up and began to put on some eyeliner. Kisame shrugged and continued bouncing. It was at that moment that one of Kisame's sharp teeth pierced the soft waterbed, causing a loud "BOOM" to erupt throughout the room. Itachi turned around and gasped as he was blown back by gallon upon gallon of water. Kisame landed on top of him, crushing his small body.

"O-Ouch…Are you okay, Itachi-san?"

Itachi mumbled and slid out from under Kisame. He rubbed his head and shook it like a dog, splashing water everywhere.

"Kisame. I'll going to kill you."

"Your eyeliner is running, Itachi-san."

"Kill you. NOW."

Kisame yelped and scrambled to the other side of the room. He covered his head and shouted, "Wait, Itachi-san! It isn't that bad! We can see if somebody else wants to trade!"

"Who would want to trade with us now…?"

Kisame grinned sheepishly and dashed outside of the room. He knocked on one of the other doors and waited. Soon, Deidara opened it and asked, "What do you want, fishstick?"

"Well, Itachi and I decided that we wanted to have the poolside view. Want to trade rooms? By the way, don't call me that."

Deidara's eyes lit up as he replied, "Sure, just let me get my stuff!"

The artist gathered his belongings and shouted for Tobi to do the same. Tobi scratched his head in confusion but immediately started to pack up when Deidara started to threaten him with clay bombs.

"Enjoy your new room, sucker!" Deidara shouted to Kisame as he ran into room with the waterbed (the room that was _supposed_ to have the waterbed, that is).

Kisame smirked and muttered, "Enjoy _your _new room, _sucker_."

Itachi shrugged and followed his partner into their new room. It was then that he realized something.

"Crap…I'll be right back, Kisame."

"Huh? What for?"

"I forgot my posters in our old room."

"You can't go now! Deidara's in there. He'll kill you when he sees that the bed is a pile of rubber."

"Won't he do that either way?"

"Ah, touché."

Itachi scurried back to the other bedroom to get his posters. He opened the door and cautiously stepped in, looking around for Deidara.

"Hi Itachi-san!" Tobi shouted, sitting on the pile of rubber. Deidara sat next to the pile, gaping in disbelief.

"What the hell did you two do to the bed?!" he shouted, veins popping in his forehead. Tobi tried to hold back his master, but it didn't work. Deidara dashed at Itachi and started clawing at him like a little girl.

"Control yourself, Deidara. After all, part of the reason you're here is to deal with your anger issues."

Deidara roared and slapped the Uchiha. Itachi rubbed his face, which was now red, and slowly creaked his neck to look down at Deidara.

"Oh…It's _on_, now."

"Bring it, weasel!"

Tobi yelped in surprise as the two shinobi started to fight. They punched, pulled hair, and flailed randomly at each other. Tobi winced and inched away, not wanting to get involved.

Eventually, both of them were out of breath, and they each fell backward. Tobi looked down at them and muttered, "Gee, and you think _I'm_ immature…?"

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Hidan napped lazily on his rough, spring-covered bed. He tossed and turned and cursed wildly as he tried to find a comfortable position, but there wasn't one.

"Fucking bed! Why'd we have to get this room?!"

"Because you suck at calling?"

"Shut the fuck up, Kakuzu. I didn't ask you!"

"…Yes you did."

Hidan stared flatly at his partner and got up. He stretched and muttered, "Atleast we don't have the couch…"

Kakuzu nodded and continued counting how many pennies he had in his piggy bank. He always needed to make sure that he didn't lose any.

"Let's see…1109…1110…1111…"

Hidan smirked and said "2049…"

Kakuzu pounded the bed and yelled, "Shut up, Hidan! I need to concentrate! I can't lose count! By the way, how much was I at…?"

"I think you were at 92."

"Really? Thanks."

Hidan laughed and went to the kitchen. He opened the door to the fridge and saw nothing but yogurt and meat.

"What the hell? Where's all the fruit?! Where are all the vegetables?!"

Zetsu sat silently in the corner of the room, petting his plants. Hidan gasped as he noticed where all of the fruit and veggies went.

"Zetsu! You can't have stuff in your fucking collection! We're supposed to eat that!"

"B-But they're so _pretty_…"

Hidan smacked his forehead and took the food from Zetsu, who cried out in protest.

"Give me that!"

"No."

"_Give it to me now, fool…_"

Hidan gulped as Zetsu's dark half started to speak. The plant man got up and walked toward Hidan, who looked up at him with wide eyes.

"_Give it to me…_"

It was at that moment that Kisame came into the room. He walked up to Zetsu and calmly slapped him across the face.

"Thanks…I needed that."

Kisame nodded and opened the fridge, taking out a piece of fish. He ate it viciously, spewing bits and pieces onto the other two men, who frowned and wiped their clothes off.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and with his mouth full Kisame shouted "I'll get it!", which caused more food to fly onto the other two.

"What the hell, man?! You're spewing that shit all over us!" Hidan cried, wiping his face on Kisame's cloak.

"Aww, man, not on my cloak! What'd you do that for?"

"Because you can't keep your mouth shut when you eat!"

Zetsu smiled and said, "Yeah…I know it's seafood, but we don't have to _see_ it."

Kisame and Hidan stared at him blankly. After a few seconds, Hidan muttered "Bad joke…" and Kisame walked to the door to answer it.

Standing in the doorway was a group of eight people dressed in the same white uniform as the doormen. Upon seeing Kisame covered in bad-smelling food, they all covered their noses and made faces of disgust.

"May I help you?" Kisame asked. A few of the people in the group started to cough from his fish-smelling breath. The person nearest to Kisame; an old, hunched over man with a large white mustache, cleared his throat and said, "This is room 109, right? We are your trainers. May we come in?"

Kisame nodded and opened the door wider. The group of people stepped inside and sat down on the various couches in the room. Kisame called for his friends to come out of their rooms, and one by one they did. When all of them were present, the old man spoke once more.

"My name is Roy, and I'm going to be your head trainer. Me and these other specialists will be working with you during your course here at Freshwater Rehab Center. Your leader contacted us and spoke to me about your individual problems. He told me that this is a very important job, so I've gathered the most highly-trained workers we have to help you deal with your problems."

The other seven trainers smiled and waved, but most of the Akatsuki members just mumbled or flipped them off. Tobi, however, ran up to them and started shaking their hands excitedly.

"Hi! My name is Tobi! Tobi loves you!"

The specialists looked at him oddly and smiled nervously. One woman opened a notepad and started scribbling notes.

"Aww, come on! Tobi thinks you people need to be happier! Everybody shout, 'hello Tobi!'"

The specialists began to shift in their seats, but didn't do anything. The note-taking woman wrote some more things down and waved again.

Tobi sighed in defeat and sat back down. Deidara elbowed him in the side and scowled at him to calm down.

"Well, anyway…" Roy continued, "Each of you will be assigned a personal trainer that has experience with your problems. I'll be going now, but hopefully you can get along well with your trainers and be good. I'll come and check on you every once in a while. Toodles!"

Roy walked out of the room, leaving the Akatsuki alone with the seven trainers.

There was a long silence between the two groups. Finally, after about a minute had gone by, Hidan broke that silence.

"Who in the name of Jashin says 'toodles'?"

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**Author's Note: Well, that's all for today. I hope you guys didn't mind the wait so much! Things will really start happening throughout the next few chapters, so get prepared! **


	3. Chapter 3: A Bad Start

**Author's Note: Thanks for the alerts, reviews, and favorite everyone! I appreciate them! I'll try to get chapters up more often, but it isn't easy because of school and other things. Well, here's Chapter 3!**

**Disclaimer: I don not own Naruto or any of its characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Note: Freshwater Rehab Center is not a real place.**

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Itachi sat in his room, crossing his arms. His trainer, a tall bald man with a smile that would scare even the most staid people, sat across from him on a chair. Itachi watched as the man looked around the room at Itachi's posters and jotted down some notes.

"Excuse me, Itachi, but may I look through your stuff?"

"Sure."

The bald man stood up and began to open every drawer in the room. He took out some items, including a razor, an eyeliner kit, and Itachi's book of sad poetry. He flipped through the book, shaking his head and grimacing in horror.

"Itachi…Your leader was right. There is plenty of evidence in this room that you have problems being happy."

"Would you be happy if you were stuck in an institution?"

"I _am_ stuck in an institution. I work here. I have to deal with things that you can't even imagine."

"Really? My imagination is pretty good, you know."

The trainer shrugged and replied, "Well, I must admit, those poems of yours are pretty creative. Maybe I'd like them more if they weren't about suicide." Then, he grabbed Itachi's sleeve and pulled it up, pointing to Itachi's wrists.

"See? You have scars on your wrists, mostly likely from cutting yourself with this razor. Do you know why people self-injure, Itachi?"

"Because bands like MCR told them to?"

"…No. It's to convert the pain they feel on the inside to the outside. What causes you pain, Itachi?"

"Kisame's hugs. Never let him catch you in a bear hug."

"…I meant what causes you pain on the _inside_, Itachi. Did something happen in your past that troubles you?"

Itachi looked away. Them, without warning, he burst into tears and shouted, "When I was eight, I took Sasuke's lollipop and dropped it on the floor!" He put his head in his hands and nearly cried his eyes out. The bald man sighed and patted him on the back, looking awfully frustrated.

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"Tobi is a good boy!"

Tobi bounced up and down on the pile of rubber that was supposed to be his bed. His trainer smacked her forehead and took out a notebook and a pencil, ready to take more notes.

"Um, Tobi…I hear that you're very, er…_excited_, most of the time. Could you please calm down for a minute?"

Tobi stopped bouncing and scratched his head, replying "Why can't Tobi be happy?"

"Um, it's not that Tobi can't be happy, it's just that Tobi needs to be a little _less_ happy. Damn it, you got me talking in third person…"

Tobi giggled stupidly and continued bouncing.

"Does trainer woman want to bounce with Tobi?"

"No…"

"Meanie."

"Idiot."

"Poopiehead."

"Tobi, stop it. We need to get on with your rehab."

"Lalala, Tobi's not listening!"

From outside of the room, the trainer swore she could have heard somebody shout, "See what I have to deal with?!"

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Deidara turned away from the room Tobi was in and walked back to the couch where his trainer was waiting. He sat down and looked at the man with obvious annoyance.

"Get on with it, hmm. I want to sculpt, so make this quick."

The trainer sighed and replied, "Alright, I'll try to finish this quickly. First of all, your leader has told us that you're a pyromaniac; you like to blow things up. Why do you have an obsession with explosions?"

Deidara smirked and took some clay out of his pocket. He rolled it around it his hands and swallowed it with his hand mouth, which caused the trainer to flinch in surprise. After a few seconds, Deidara reopened the mouth, and a small clay bird came out.

"Well, you see, I am an artist…I think that art is something beautiful that exists for mere seconds before it disappears in a grand finale, and is gone forever except in our minds, hmm…In other words, art is…"

"Fuck no!" Hidan shouted as he smashed the clay bird into a pulp. Deidara gasped and stared in shock as Hidan threw the clay on the floor and stomped on it.

"You are NOT blowing this joint up! If you do, I'll fucking kill you, you piece of shit!"

Deidara scrambled to pick up the clay and yelled, "Hidan, you idiot! It isn't beautiful enough to blow up now, hmm!"

"Good!" Hidan shouted as he was dragged away by his specialist. Deidara grumbled and put the clay back into his pocket. His trainer looked at him wide-eyed and continued the lesson.

"So…you like to blow things up because you think it's artful?"

"Yep. Got a problem with that, hmm?"

"Um, none at all, sir. But you have to understand that…"

Deidara quickly pointed at the trainer and shouted, "You have a bug on your shoulder!" The man looked down and noticed a very strange looking bug resting on him.

"What kind of bug is this…?"

"Katsu!"

A loud boom erupted throughout the apartment as the clay bug exploded. The trainer went up in flames and started flailing wildly, trying to find something to put out the fire with. Tobi walked out of his room and saw him, then shouted, "Yay! He's dancing! Dance party!"

Deidara laughed until he choked. He watched as Tobi started to dance right next to the trainer, and then caught on fire when the man accidentally hit him. Both of them started rolling around on the floor, screaming like babies.

Deidara was very proud of himself.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

When Hidan was back in his room, his trainer shook her head and said angrily, "Hidan, that's what I mean when I say you have anger issues. You can't just curse and stomp like that! People won't like you if you have an attitude like that." Hidan grumbled and shoved her away.

"Yeah, whatever, lady…I can do whatever the hell I want!"

"Um, right…Well, to help you be less angry, we're going to go through some happiness routines, okay? But first, I'll show you a series of pictures, and you have to tell me what you see, okay?"

The trainer reached into a bag and took out a pile of small papers. She sorted through them and put them in a neat order, then showed the first one to Hidan.

"Okay, what do you see?"

"Children suffering."

"Um, okay…Next picture. What do you see?"

"Sick puppies."

"…Um, right…Next."

"It's a little tricky, but I think I see butterflies in a field of flowers."

"…Really?"

"Nah, I'm just messing with ya."

"…Okay, Hidan. You're definetly messed up, but that's okay; I've got some ways to help out. Let's play a game…"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Kakuzu sat on the balcony with is trainer. He was busy counting his money while the other man impatiently tapped his foot and waited. Finally, the trainer cleared his throat loudly, which distracted Kakuzu and got his attention.

"What was that for? You made me lose count, you bastard!"

"Kakuzu, there's some things that we need to get straight here. Money isn't everything in the world, ya know? There are plenty of other things for you."

"Well, of course. There's all the stuff that I can buy with my money. Of course, I prefer to keep my money. There's no need to spend too much!"

"That's not what I meant. Material possessions may be important to you, Kakuzu, but the things that you can't buy are the most important. There's love, friendship, trust, respect…The list goes on and on. So, of everything you could obsess over, why would you pick money?"

Kakuzu scratched his chin and looked off the balcony and into the forest. After a little while of thinking, he finally replied, "It was funny people on it. And it's green."

"…Are those the only reasons why you like money?"

"Well, no…If I become rich, I'll be famous."

"Kakuzu; you're an S-class criminal. You already are famous."

"Yes, well, being rich has been my goal since I was a kid. If I hit it big time, I can get anything I want! Wouldn't you like to get anything you've ever dreamed of?"

The specialist thought for a second. After a lot of "hmm" and "uhh", he said, "Well, there are a lot of things I'd like…I'd buy a new car, a new house, a trained monkey, my own business, a personal gang of midgets, 72 wives…"

"Dude, you're weird."

"Look who's talking."

"Go to hell, dude."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Kisame popped open a bottle of beer and began to chug it. His trainer sighed and watched him drain the entire bottle in less than 10 seconds, then throw it out an open window.

"Kisame…Why are you so addicted to alcohol?"

"Huh? Wush you says?"

"Kisame, you're already drunk. You can't go around chugging alcohol like that; it's harmful to your body."

"Shpeaking of body, you're shtarting to look pretty hot…"

"…Maybe this isn't a good time. I'll come back later..."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Zetsu sat in the middle of the floor with his trainer sitting across from him. He chewed on a human arm, slurping off every bit of it while the specialist looked like he was going to puke.

"Um, Zetsu, could you please stop for a moment?"

Zetsu swallowed the arm whole and burped at the man, spewing blood and bits of god-knows-what all over him.

"Oh goodness, oh my! Please control yourself, sir!"

Zetsu smiled innocently and shrugged. Suddenly, without warning, he grabbed the specialist and started biting on his head and shouting "Om nom nom!"

"Oh my God! Zetsu, stop! Somebody, help me!"

The others specialists rushed into the room to see what was wrong. They screamed and started to hit Zetsu to make him let go, but he didn't.

Kisame drunkenly whacked him over the head with Samehada, and he finally let go of the poor trainer. By now, the trainer's upper body was bloody and unrecognizable.

"W-What was that for, Zetsu?!" Hidan shouted, punching the plant man.

"Me hungry…" he replied, smiling innocently again.

The trainers shook their heads and grabbed their briefcases and notes. One of them turned to the Akatsuki and said, "You were all very bad today. I hope that when we come back tomorrow, you'll behave better!"

After that, the trainers stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind them.

"What's their problem, hmm?" Deidara muttered, molding a clay bird. Kakuzu shrugged and continued counting his money, while Kisame finally started to get sober.

"What happened…?"

"Nevermind, Kisame," Itachi said, "Let's find out what there is to do here. We know that there is an outdoor pool, but maybe there is something else, too."

"Tobi wants to go to Chuck E Cheese!" Tobi shouted, jumping up and down. Deidara punched him down, replying, "Why would a rehab center have a Chuck E Cheese, you idiot?! Grow up, hmm!"

Tobi rubbed his head and started to cry. Deidara sighed and grumbled something too quiet for anyone to hear, then kicked Tobi in the side.

"Tobi, stop crying, hmm. You're not a little kid."

"T-Tobi's a little kid at heart, sempai…"

"No, really. Stop crying."

"B-But sempai…"

"Sigh…what can I do to shut you up, hmm?!"

"Y-You can let Tobi ride on your shoulders…"

"What the hell?! No, hmm!"

Tobi burst into a fit, yelling, "Sempai hates me!" over and over. The other Akatsuki members grew impatient and shouted "For the love of God, Deidara, just let him ride on your shoulders!"

Deidara groaned and muttered, "Fine, hmm…", helping Tobi up and trying to lift him up to his shoulders.

"Why the hell are you so heavy, Tobi?! I swear, you must weigh 200 pounds!"

"Atleast sempai doesn't have to carry Kisame!"

Kisame growled and shook his fist at Tobi.

"What's that supposed to mean, you little pipsqueak?!"

"Everybody, shut up!!!" Itachi yelled. The room grew silent as the other six turned to face him.

"Whoa…" Hidan said in awe, "That's like…the first time you've raised your voice since the 'wet noodle' incident…"

"What's the 'wet noodle' incident?" Tobi asked innocently.

"You don't know? Well, you _are_ new…It's probably better if you don't know, though."

"Aww…" Tobi groaned. Itachi grumbled and told them never to bring that up ever again, then started to leave the room. His friends shrugged and decided to follow him.

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Author's Note: Thanks for waiting, everyone! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, even if it was a little slow and boring…Please review and tell me what to improve on!**


	4. Chapter 4: Getting Worse

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews, everybody! I appreciate them! Well, here's Chapter 4. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Note: Freshwater Rehab Center is not a real place.**

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

The footsteps of the seven Akatsuki members echoed throughout the long, cold hall. The lights silently hummed above them, and the only sign of life other than the seven men was a lone janitor mopping at the other end of the hall. The cold, still air whispered in the air vents and chilled their bones.

"This place is quiet…Too quiet. Then again, that's to be expected of a psych ward." Kisame muttered, shivering.

"Here's a map of the building" Kakuzu said, pointing at a glass case on the wall. Sure enough, it contained a map of the facility.

"According to this arrow, we are here," he continued, "so if we keep following this hall, we'll get to the section of the building where all the fun is."

"Alright, then what are we waiting for? Let's go, hmm!" Deidara shouted. A few other patients opened their doors and grumbled.

"Be quiet, ma'am." one of them rasped.

The hall grew quiet as Deidara let the last word sink in. His friends looked at the patient, and Kisame motioned for him to run.

"Did you just call me…_ma'am_?"

The confused patient looked around worriedly. Hidan smiled and said, "This is gonna get ugly…"

Veins popped in the artist's forehead as he turned to face the man, and he grabbed the patient by the color of his shirt.

"Look me in the eye…Do I look like a woman to you, hmm? Answer me!"

When the patient cried and wouldn't answer, Deidara threw him to the ground and jumped on him. He tore his own shirt off and pointed at his chest, shouting, "Do I looklike a woman now, hmm?!" His chest mouth grinned and slobbered all over the poor man, who cried out for his mom.

"Please, I beg you, don't hurt me! I have a wife and kids! Oh God, I just wet my new pants!"

Deidara huffed and stood up. The patient got up and ran back into his room crying like a baby. The other patients fled and closed their doors, and the other six Akatsuki smiled and laughed.

"Wow, Deidara…That was a bit of a crazy reaction, don't you think?"

"Shut up, hmm. Do you any of you have an extra shirt I could borrow?"

"I can stitch it back together." Kakuzu suggested. Deidara agreed, and Kakuzu began to sew the shirt back together. When it was sown back together, he handed it to Deidara. The artist took it and quickly shoved it on, unaware of the words "Gay and Proud" stitched into the back.

"Alight, let's go now."

When the group got to the end of the hall, they entered a big room full of people. People everywhere were having fun playing sports, playing arcade games, gambling, talking, or some other activity. Tobi squealed in joy and rushed into the crowd, out of sight.

"Well, that's one less person I have to deal with." Itachi muttered. He sat down at a table and started to write sad poetry.

Kisame frowned and looked at the others. "So, do you guys want to head to the pool?"

Deidara and Hidan nodded, but Kakuzu and Zetsu stayed to look around. The shark man shrugged and motioned for Deidara and Hidan to follow him.

"Wait…do you know how to get to the pool from here, hmm?"

Kisame scratched his head and thought. After a few seconds, he shook his head.

"No, but we could ask an employee for directions. I'm sure they'd know." he said. Hidan nodded and approached one of the many workers in the room.

"Hey, buddy, do you know how my friends and I can get to the pool from here?"

The man turned to look at Hidan and smiled.

"Why, of course I do! Just say please!"

"I'm a mental ward patient, not a fucking toddler. Tell me now."

The employee frowned and replied, "Listen pal, calm down. That's no way to talk to someone."

Hidan clenched his fists and growled, "I'll ask you one more time…Where the hell is the fucking pool?"

"Hmph, how rude…"

Hidan roared and tackled the worker to the ground. Kisame and Deidara winced as blood sprayed and teeth scattered. Another employee rushed to his friend's aid with a tazer and zapped Hidan, who growled and lashed out at him.

"Get off me, you heathen! Jashin condemns you to a thousand years in hell!"

The other two Akatsuki decided they should step in. They each grabbed one of Hidan's arms, but he struggled and bit at them.

"Ouch! Hidan, stop it! You're acting like a freaking dog!" Kisame seethed, grabbing his bleeding thumb.

"You'll never get me alive!"

"We can't get you any other way, hmm. You're immortal, you retard." Deidara mumbled, giving Hidan a good slap across the face. The priest was about to strike back, but he was shot by an employee with a tranquilizer dart before he could. His limp body fell to the floor, motionless.

The two Akatsuki members sighed as their friend was dragged away. One of the employees turned to them and said, "As soon as he calms down, we'll release him. You Akatsuki just got here today and you're already causing trouble…unbelievable."

"Sorry…" Kisame replied, slumping down. Deidara nodded, then asked, "So, um…Where's the pool?"

"Follow that hall at the end of the room. You should reach a staircase that will lead you to it."

"Thanks."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Tobi skipped across the room, singing and spinning. People gave him weird looks, and some even threw things at him, but he didn't mind.

"Tobi is very happy! This place looks fun!"

Tobi was too busy prancing, and didn't notice the tall, muscular man in his path. The two of them collided, and Tobi fell to the floor.

"Ouch…Tobi is sorry, mister! Tobi didn't see you!"

The tough man pounded his fist into his hand and growled, "Watch where you're going, punk. And stop skipping."

"But…But Tobi likes to skip!"

"Well, you know what I like? I like pounding little kids to dust!" he shouted, leaping at Tobi. The masked boy yelped and ducked, hoping that the man would fly over him, but it didn't work. He struggled as the man picked him up off the floor and laughed.

"Get out of my sight!" he shouted, throwing the poor ninja. Tobi flew onto the bar and slid across it, breaking glasses and spilling their contents all over the place. He slid off the bar and onto the floor with a _wham_ and groaned. People all around him rushed to help.

"Are you okay, sir?"

"Are you alright?"

"What just happened? Are you hurt?"

"Someone, call 9-1-1!"

Tobi rubbed his head and looked around. His vision was faded, and the voices of crowd rang loudly in his ears.

"W-Where am I…?"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Itachi saw the commotion from his table and put down his pen. He sprinted to the spot where Tobi lay, covered with liquor and glass.

"Tobi? Tobi, can you hear me?"

The masked nin slowly got up and rubbed his head again. He turned to look at Itachi and asked, "Who are you?"

The Uchiha scowled and shook his friend. "Tobi? Tobi! Snap out of it! It's me, Itachi!"

"Who…Who am _I_…?" he asked, staring into space. Itachi's eyes widened as he realized what had happened.

"This is not good…Tobi, come with me. You need to see a doctor, now."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Kakuzu and Zetsu sat on the opposite side of the bar and looked on as medics put Tobi onto a stretcher. They walked out of the room with Itachi following close behind.

"So…The boy got amnesia, did he? Interesting." Kakuzu said, taking a sip of sake.

Zetsu sighed and replied, "This could be serious, Kakuzu. Even if he's a little annoying, he's still our friend and our comrade, and we have to look after him."

"_The little rascal had it coming._" his dark side muttered.

"That's mean." the light half replied.

"_Pussy._"

"Stop it."

"_No._"

"Listen, you! If you don't stop, I'll beat you up!"

"_Go ahead and try._"

Kakuzu laughed as Zetsu started hitting himself. He drunkenly stumbled away from the table, tripping over his own feet.

People began to gather around Zetsu, wondering what was going on.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

The light half lashed out at the dark half, which tried to strangle it. Zetsu fell to the floor and choked himself, and the crowd cheered wildly.

"I'll kill you!"

"_Never!_"

It was going to be a long, long day.

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading, everyone! Don't forget to review and tell me what you liked/what you think I can improve on!**


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